WITCHCRAFT! I call the unforeseen, the unforgettable, and the unlikeable ways of the heart “witchcraft!” As a kid, I once feared guns and swords, but the older I get the more I realize how dangerous and wicked the heart can be…even against it’s own body. There is a school of thought that suggest we are to “follow our hearts.” Once a believer of it, I’m not sure if that’s really a good thing after all. I mean, I look at my own life and see that some times . . .most times, the heart screws up. It’s led me and my emotions on a journey that while grateful for the writing inspiration, I really believe I could have done without. My heart, my emotions, and because I’m a guy…even my man parts have all led me to some strange places and strange situations.
This blog is my journey into the wild. As a kid, I was taught and often viewed life in black or white. Things and people were either right or wrong. I didn’t believe in the middle ground. There was no such thing. But pain has a way of exposing the “grey” in even the most logical of us all. Things happen, and at times all we’re left with is an experience and perspective obscure and undefined. Right or wrong, good or bad…the heart can lead you to a place where things “just are” and there isn’t much you can do about it but simply let it be.
I’m trying to grasp the reality of things these days. Things are happening quick. Most days I feel like I put reality t.v. to shame. Strange places…strange times from a Pentecostal Jesus loving boy. How can you be single and taken at the same time? These undefined places have a way of bringing us all into insanity. I mean, you can be grateful but emotional, mature but yet still selfish…it’s a weird place guys. I think about love and most days just can’t figure it out. Who gets dumped twice in the same day? Me. Who loves singleness but hates being alone? Me. The ones I love…won’t love me back, and the ones that do love well…complicated stuff.
Every so often, I miss the love, I miss the “us” and I struggle to be back in harmony, but then logic kicks in, and I’m left fighting with the war within my own conscious. Question is, do I want back in because I’m really in love or because I’ve been forced out and no longer have access to the heart of another? I think about it. Truthfully, had I walked out of some relationships, I probably wouldn’t have looked back twice. But it never feels good getting beat playing a game that you set the rules for.
So I write. I explore…strange places. It’s a place where much like the forbidden fruit in the Bible, we want what we can’t have. “NO!” is pleasurable. The things that will give us our greatest agony is the thing that appears to give the greatest thrill.
But in my writing, make no mistake. I’m in a good place, but I’m in a “blah” place. I’m in the place of my decision, my thoughts, and my ways. Maybe it’s apart of manhood. Maybe it’s a part of growing up. Perhaps it’s a bit of dysfunction and dumb decisions. Whatever it is…it is. And I’m dealing with the reality of it all. Yea man, I’m in a strange place.