I love you. I don’t think I’ll ever not love you. Apart of me hates that you don’t love me anymore, and a part of me doesn’t care. We had dope times and in my mind a dope connection, so excuse me if I don’t share your entire, “just friends” now logic. It’s easy for you, not that easy for me. It’s easy to befriend someone you never loved. Those whose heart were invested…it takes time to snap back into friend zone.
No long love note, no great love ballad to write…I loved you. And as much as I don’t understand, and as much as I want to hate you…I don’t have that much heart invested at this point enough to ask. You hurt me. How do you tell someone, “I don’t want you. There is NOTHING about this that’s beneficial to me. CLEARLY…I’m getting nothing out of this.” It came out of nowhere and was meant with so much passion. I learned a lot. I hurt a lot after you too. But you know what, I gained a lot. You said something that hurt but helped me. You said, “not like we were ever in a real relationship anyway.” You know what, you were right. Can’t fault you there. I took a lot from that. And yo, when I find the one…I’m going to take your advice…and I’m going to dive in head first. Well…in a figurative sense of course. This is a CLEAN content blog. Sheesh. But I digress.
Whether you believe in or not….against it all…I loved you enough to marry you. But I’m glad you stopped loving me. It forced me to love me. I have nothing too bad to say other than, I’m burning the love notes….if you care. It was a pretty dope experience. No real complaints, no real problems…so I thought. I mean, you pissed me off at times, but at the end of the day, bae was bae. I have texts…I mean my text thread (thanks to Apple/iMessage) tells and unfold our entire little love story. Little love notes and all. I still have all the screenshots we’ve exchanged. All the pics of us from FaceTime and such. We’d talk all night, every night, fall asleep together…be dope during the day…and all wack with each other by night.
I tried my best to change the course of where we stood. I really fought for us. Late night texts, early morning texts, practically begged for us to talk..and I don’t know…one day, I woke up. I don’t know if it’s somewhere between trying to sleep with my friends and thinking I didn’t know, or me just not caring anymore. All I know, is that somewhere in between all of that…I woke up. But I still had these memories I couldn’t stop.
You know of my hoarding ways. You teased me enough over it. My old magazines, newspapers, little notes…heck even my iCloud content. But I’m getting rid of it all just so you know. My inability to let go I see has caused me to mismanage what’s in front of me. It leads me in comparing those in my life to those that left my life. I can never be fully happy with the next because I’m too busy comparing and rehearsing experience. You remember I spent a lot of our relationship..or whatever you think we were…talking about those before you. It’s the perfect makings of an emotional heart attack. Not anymore though.
I’m breathing. I’m living. ….I’m deleting. No more holding on, no more “what-ifs.” Moving on entails, “even if they come back around…no thank you, I’ll pass.” Wish you a dope life. Be happy….even if it’s with MY people. Find your happiness, and I pray you really do find wholeness. I’m in a good place. You can have it all. All the memories, the laughs, the love, the moments…take it. No lingering thoughts. My heart isn’t bleeding anymore. I’m good. Burning this little love note…for the both of us. You don’t owe me…I don’t owe you. Don’t feel entitled to speak, and I won’t feel pressure to respond. We are good. No real friendship needed. Seems like it’s forced and out of commitment to your word not to just be like the rest. Nahhh. No need to anymore. It’s okay now. I promise.
What we shared, the promises we made, and the words we exchanged…our integrity to our word seems to bind us together even though we would rather go our separate ways. It’s burning…all of it. No worries. I’m burning the thing that tie us together.