Tag Archives: life

Superman.

Hey!! I’m back. I know. I know. It’s unstable. It’s sporadic. I need to do better. SOOOOO much better. I got it…now you see why my relationships screw up. NO COMMITMENT. lol iJoke. iKid. But I just want to say thanks to you guys/gals that check on my page every week, hit me up, and support this writing. It means something to this little black face fella.

Ummm….so much has happened, so much has changed. I can write super “juicy” content, I can spill my life on screen and take down things of my past along with me. I can throw shots, be petty, and just talk about all sorts of things. But that’s just not me anymore. I’ve been inspired to grow. In my time away, I’ve been busy a bit. I’ve had a few bumps along the way, but all in all…I’m still moving. Thing about moving is, at times, you don’t get a chance to sit back and think. THINKING. Ah, I’ve reflected on a few things. I want to share my latest process. Tell me what you think. COMMENT. share. It’ll make me feel dope. Ha.

One of the greatest struggles I’ve had to deal with wasn’t so much with people. It wasn’t even with the pain of what I believe they caused. In my time of growing, I realized, a lot of what was a cycle for me was because of my inability to release people from roles they weren’t designed to fill. Pain caused disbelief, and disbelief often made me inflict self torture by repeating the same cycle hoping other’s would pass the test.

Truth is…I’ve had problems separating miracles from reality. Much like a superhero, that comes to save the day, I looked for Superman to be Superman even when they had no cape. I was determined that people had to love me, help me, be there because of great rescues of the past. And one day, it hit me. Like really…I had an aha moment, sipping my pink lemonade that had a sligggght chill to it. I can love Superman without having to befriend Clark Kent. Kent lived a different life, in a different world, with different foes, friends, and loves. That never negated the fact that when needed to be, that cape came out, and he’d save the day.

ANNNY OF THIS MAKING SENSE? I sure hope so. What a way to return and fail…sheesh. Must be a little rusty. But yea man…yea…girl? Whoever you are reading this. My point is simple…be cool with superman. Be cool in knowing that if you need ’em, you can call them, and you know they’ll always have your back. That’s dope. But with that, know that if you haven’t been given access beyond the cape, you probably won’t. Make peace with that too.

Don’t overcomplicate things.

Don’t over-think.

LOVE.

BE LOVED.

And allow people to evolve. Roles change. Be okay with that. I’m in a phase where I love EVERYBODY and I want us all to smile. Be honest. Admit how you feel. You loved the moments and you loved the rescue…that doesn’t change and you’re not bad for feeling that way. Loving Superman isn’t wrong, but hating Clark Kent is. Learn to appreciate lasting bonds that live past the termination of a season.

well…

that’s all i got. (yes….GOT)

I’ll bring my mojo back next week.

 

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Sandcastles and Rain

Hey guys…and gals!! Yo! Been a busy week or so. I have to be better consistent in checking in. Thanks for the feedback, comment, and shares on the last post. Your public support means more than you know. Good job!! Meanwhile, I have a few random little thoughts I’d like to share. Comment. Share. Leave some feedback. Like. Hate. Whatever. Just say something!! lol

 

Meanwhile…I have nothing bad to say. I have no enemies to fight. I hate no one. I love everyone. I mean…I have a few people I don’t mess with…but nevertheless, we all good. Life has a way of bringing balance if you let it. Storms are dramatic. Their nature is often filled with turbulence, chaotic moments, strong winds, and such. Energy and emotions are high, and they can get a bit frantic. But even after the storm, there’s a erie calm. A few things may be disbursed, things may be a little scattered, but nonetheless….you assess, rebuild, and keep going.

Life is filled with storms. Some things you can predict, and some…they’re just unpredictable. Okay. Cool. Rebuild. The sun comes out again. You Laugh. Remember the joy of a Summer afternoon at the beach. The laughs, the picnics, and the swimming. The rain did what it did, so that the sun can do what it’s suppose to. That’s life. Embrace it and don’t fight it….but don’t stay stuck either. You shouldn’t always have rainy moments. Don’t live your life in a storm. GOOD VIBES ONLY.

Manage and steward your emotions well this year. Don’t make storms out of clouds. I’m learning how to just chill out over certain things. Once upon a time I would get irate, offended, and emotional about certain issues. Petty by nature, and a jerk by trade, it’s easy to become a jerk-tard about certain things I feel jaded by. But I’m entering into a new stage of sobriety. I will not bring rain to the sandbox.

SMILE. Enjoy the sun. Go to the beach…build a castle.

I’m building my sandcastle…even if I have to build it alone. Nothing will knock it down. No waves or storms will wash it away. I won’t sabotage my building by giving another the power to kick it over. I’ll enjoy my time at the beach, and then go home. And when the next storm comes, I’ll find some time to dance in it. I’ll smile anyway. I’m in a pretty positive place. Enjoying my world and those that want to be in it.

-building sandcastles.

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I’m Growing Up…

Hiiiiiiiiii!!!! How are you? Meanwhile, like and comment on my posts!! I get so much feedback privately, let me know how you guys feel…on here. Make me feel good a bout my self, it is my birthday and all. And share if you care. But I DIGRESS. Let’s talk for a bit.

Meanwhile, I LOVE moments. I am a big baby. I’m the guy with the heart of gold whose words are enchanting and have an overall cool demeanor. I don’t do well with expressing it all often, but all in all…yea..I’m that guy. I live for creating dope moments. I once had albums full of moments I’ve capture in my icloud. Typically good morning texts, random I love you texts, and other jerkish little messages from those I hold close. Pictures in dope places, a snapshot of the sky during a great conversation, I even still have the mailing envelops of random little gifts because the inside still smell like my favorite cologne. Wack, I know. I take MY moments seriously.

Sometimes the greatest misfortune can be damaging a potentially incredible future based on an awesome past. Some things we can’t get back. We have to learn how to embrace what we had, be thankful for the experience, and move on. We can’t make today be what yesterday was. I had a horrible habit of comparing who was there to those that stuck around and would be puzzled why those present were offended. Life doesn’t work that way. We weren’t meant to live in repeat. You can’t make people love you in a way you were once loved. All hearts are not the same. You won’t be treated like how someone treated you because you may not be viewed the same. We all have our pick. And hard pill to swallow, but sometimes, you’re just not the pick of the one you want. Make peace with that, and grow up.

You have dope moments. GREAT.

You were hurt. OH.

You lived a life….GOT IT.

But you must grow up. Life is a journey. There will always be new discoveries. I’m learning to appreciate each moment as they come. Much like snowflakes, no two alike. I’ve have some incredible moments with some incredible people. Moments…that were almost magical. But I’ll never love them that way again. I loved Xena, The Warrior Princess growing up. But I can’t be paid to watch it today. You get it? Things change. And that’s okay. Love comes when it comes in the way that we need it when it comes. I still smile and respect what was, but I’ve grown not to look for that again.  Don’t tarnish a good memory looking for another good feeling.

I’m learning life isn’t about reliving a moment…sometimes it’s about embracing the next.

 

Dear Gray…I’m looking..I’m ready. Let’s write a new book.

-james

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Blood, Scabs, and an Epiphany.

MEANWHILE, I’m a creative. I’m the hopeless romantic that isn’t all that romantic. I’m the relationship blogger that suck at love. The thing is…what I experience, what I know, and what I do almost never compliment each other. The sensible side and the imaginative side tend to war within. I have a secret. I believe in happily-ever-afters. THAT my friend is what screws me up. EVERY TIME. I believe a heart that says, “I love you.” And to ones that don’t, I often tell myself, “one day.” I believe in the harmonic flow of a healthy beating heart. I think love is dope. I think love is incredible. It’s just….maybe not for me. I mean, I want it to be…but, I don’t think love loves me. It’s been my experience that those who love big…often bleed big. I’ve bled a lot. And every so often without noticing, though I think I’m well, the blood of a picked scab will remind me just how much more I have to go.

Have you ever fallen and scrapped yourself…or maybe even cut yourself? It hurts! Like the initial pain…really hurt. Some of the pain that makes us bleed are deeper than others. Some cuts you clean, bandage and go on with the day, yet find that the blood keeps coming…even through the bandage. And then along comes the scabs. It’s a sign that the cut is healing, but it never looks pretty. Just because the bleeding stops, it doesn’t make the wounds invisible. Scars are the proof of real pain. As a kid, hating how ugly scabs appeared, I did my best to get rid of them…but I found that every time I did, I just bled again. Old wounds became new pain, and while it wasn’t the same…the feelings were unnecessary.  I have a habit reliving things in new ways and calling it new things. 

How many times do we have to bleed and relive the same pain before we get it? I look at my record. I tend to torture myself falling for hearts that I know can never love me back. I’m the type of dude that if you got me, you got me. Even after you’ve dropped me…I’m there. You can need the moon, and I’d find a spaceship to go get it and the three brightest stars just in case you thought about needed it later. But often that compassion left me being skipped and incomparable to a Walmart bus ride by another. I haven’t always been hurt though. I’ve hurt too. There were those that loved me beyond what I was willing to love about me and therefore pushed them away. I held people to a standard that other’s failed to live up to and kept them at a distance.

Maybe love isn’t bias. Maybe we just have to stop loving the wrong way. Perhaps new love won’t remind you of an old pleasure. New love will make you smile in different ways. LOVE is real. It can be beautiful… if you let it be.

Stop bleeding. Stop making others pay for what someone did or didn’t do. No one is obligated to change your bandage.

Stop picking at old wounds. Stop the memories. Stop bringing up old laughs, moments, and pain. It’s not healthy. Pain isn’t a bonding tool. What broke your heart shouldn’t be the tagline of your bio. We go picking scabs in hopes of finding “healing” “wholeness” and “closure” when all we do is bleed, awaken desire, and stir up emotions. Just heal.

REALIZE it will happen. LOVE will come when it decides to come. Just be emotionally stable and mature enough to handle it when it does. Love shouldn’t be one sided and it shouldn’t be painful. Love just loves. It confronts, it challenges, and it causes you to make bold decisions…but sacrifice is easy when you’re all in it. Be all in it. We’re getting older. Our hearts aren’t getting any younger. We can’t keep giving ourselves heart attacks beating for people, things, and hearts just will never beat for us. BEAT IT UP. I mean that in the purest sense. Change the rhythm of your beat.

Bring reality into your imagination. It’s a good thing to dream. But some times dreams turn into nightmares. But some times dreams end and when they do, you have to make a decision of waking up and living life, or creating a fantasy and living in a memory. IT DIDN’T WORK. IT’S NOT WORKING. IT’LL NEVER WORK.

W

A

K

E

 

U

P

 

!

  • beat responsibility.
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IN. TOO. DEEP.

I don’t wanna hurt.

I don’t want to hurt.

Pain is real. LOVE is real. At times, the trigger of a memory is strong enough to break us down. Emotions are powerful and I’m learning those that are often victims of our reckless emotions are the ones that love us the most. What do you do when you’re in too deep? I’m learning that NOTHING is without sacrifice and NOTHING is without consequence.

So, here’s what it is: My battle has been long, bloody, and painful. But it hasn’t been all bad. Life is about the journey. We love. We hurt. We grow. We pain. We learn. We screw up and we do life stuff. NONE of that is wrong. You’re not penalized for exploring your journey. You’re allowed to fail, but you’re not allowed to died. Keep growing, keep living. That’s what this stuff is about. I’ve been hurt. But I’ve also hurt. It’s crazy how one soul’s freedom can be another’s prison.

Just when my heart started beating again, no love loss, hate, petty tendencies to manifest (…okay maybe a little, because it’s my love language), but just when I thought I was ready to move on…I’m back in a world I thought I left behind. How can a painful experience be such a beautiful beginning at the same time? What I should hate…I like. What I shouldn’t care about, I hurt over. This shouldn’t be my reality. But it is.

DEAR GREY, I’m sorry. If I would have known then that by exploring my journey, you would known the pain I knew myself, I would have never walked down that path. I’ve thought about you before. Only I didn’t know it was you. Before, you were just like everyone else. But in knowing you and coming to know you, I realize you’re one of the greatest people I’ve met. I want you on my journey, I want you in my world. We seem to have the perfect things in common. Yet so many things to hate each other for. But instead…the authenticity of who we are seem to bring us closer in a weird twisted sorted way.

Deep emotions reveals certain paths…such as aren’t common for most. Look, I don’t know much. But I do know it’s not just as simple as 123, abc. Our path isn’t like the average person’s. We have to accept that and grow to be dope in spite of that. Let’s hate each other if we must. Cry. Fight. And do what is needed to heal…but at the end of the day…WE MUST HEAL. We’re too awesome to be broken.

Can’t promise it’ll be cool overnight. But what I can say is I’m willing to ride the wave with you until you’re good. I’m in it with you with a good heart. I just want to see you well.

-a complicated world.

 

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I’m burning the love note.

Dear Grey,

I love you. I don’t think I’ll ever not love you. Apart of me hates that you don’t love me anymore, and a part of me doesn’t care. We had dope times and in my mind a dope connection, so excuse me if I don’t share your entire, “just friends” now logic. It’s easy for you, not that easy for me. It’s easy to befriend someone you never loved. Those whose heart were invested…it takes time to snap back into friend zone.

No long love note, no great love ballad to write…I loved you. And as much as I don’t understand, and as much as I want to hate you…I don’t have that much heart invested at this point enough to ask. You hurt me. How do you tell someone, “I don’t want you. There is NOTHING about this that’s beneficial to me. CLEARLY…I’m getting nothing out of this.” It came out of nowhere and was meant with so much passion. I learned a lot. I hurt a lot after you too. But you know what, I gained a lot. You said something that hurt but helped me. You said, “not like we were ever in a real relationship anyway.” You know what, you were right. Can’t fault you there. I took a lot from that. And yo, when I find the one…I’m going to take your advice…and I’m going to dive in head first. Well…in a figurative sense of course. This is a CLEAN content blog. Sheesh. But I digress.

Whether you believe in or not….against it all…I loved you enough to marry you. But I’m glad you stopped loving me. It forced me to love me. I have nothing too bad to say other than, I’m burning the love notes….if you care.  It was a pretty dope experience. No real complaints, no real problems…so I thought. I mean, you pissed me off at times, but at the end of the day, bae was bae. I have texts…I mean my text thread (thanks to Apple/iMessage) tells and unfold our entire little love story. Little love notes and all. I still have all the screenshots we’ve exchanged. All the pics of us from FaceTime and such. We’d talk all night, every night, fall asleep together…be dope during the day…and all wack with each other by night.

I tried my best to change the course of where we stood. I really fought for us. Late night texts, early morning texts, practically begged for us to talk..and I don’t know…one day, I woke up. I don’t know if it’s somewhere between trying to sleep with my friends and thinking I didn’t know, or me just not caring anymore. All I know, is that somewhere in between all of that…I woke up. But I still had these memories I couldn’t stop.

You know of my hoarding ways. You teased me enough over it. My old magazines, newspapers, little notes…heck even my iCloud content. But I’m getting rid of it all just so you know. My inability to let go I see has caused me to mismanage what’s in front of me. It leads me in comparing those in my life to those that left my life. I can never be fully happy with the next because I’m too busy comparing and rehearsing experience. You remember I spent a lot of our relationship..or whatever you think we were…talking about those before you. It’s the perfect makings of an emotional heart attack. Not anymore though.

I’m breathing. I’m living. ….I’m deleting. No more holding on, no more “what-ifs.” Moving on entails, “even if they come back around…no thank you, I’ll pass.” Wish you a dope life. Be happy….even if it’s with MY people. Find your happiness, and I pray you really do find wholeness. I’m in a good place. You can have it all. All the memories, the laughs, the love, the moments…take it. No lingering thoughts. My heart isn’t bleeding anymore. I’m good. Burning this little love note…for the both of us. You don’t owe me…I don’t owe you. Don’t feel entitled to speak, and I won’t feel pressure to respond. We are good. No real friendship needed. Seems like it’s forced and out of commitment to your word not to just be like the rest. Nahhh. No need to anymore. It’s okay now. I promise.

What we shared, the promises we made, and the words we exchanged…our integrity to our word seems to bind us together even though we would rather go our separate ways. It’s burning…all of it. No worries. I’m burning the thing that tie us together.

We’re free.

We’re good.

We’re better.

 

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Texts, Sex, & Apple Pie.

Monday. August 1, 2016, 6 p.m.

WARNING. I don’t know how this blog will end. I write at times without a blueprint in mind. I’m slightly annoyed. Why, eh…I’m a poet at heart, it’s a rainy Monday, and I missed Judge Judy today…

 

UPDATE.

Tuesday. August 2, 2016, 10:42 a.m.

I couldn’t finish this blog yesterday. At the rate I was going, I shutter to think how it would have ended. I got up, told myself, “life ain’t that serious. This ain’t that serious. Chill out.” Yes, I used the term AIN’T. But digressing. Let’s chat about a few things.

Meanwhile, some times life doesn’t work out the way we want it to. We cry, we grow, we win, and we lose. Relationships don’t always have a happily ever after…but you can have one. We have to forsake our imagination for the sake of a healthy soul. We weren’t created to be detached, anyone who insists on NEVER developing relationships with anyone…isn’t really a healthy soul. We need people…but the right people.

We have to stop putting time, commitment, heart, and tears into “moments”. Texts, Sex, and Apple Pie. We like that instant short hand communication…were we put in little effort in building communication. Stop letting, “I miss you” texts and “I love you” random late night messages make you dumb. Check out timelines, see who isn’t there and why you’re being summonded all of a sudden.  We’re being made to look foolish…and don’t care. Crash the dummy talk. You shouldn’t have to wonder and guess what a person means and what their intentions are…talk up, talk clear, and talk right.

Who doesn’t love sex, right? Yea…you’re evvvverybody’s bae, everyone misses you, and wants you bad when their hormones are on sky ten. Cut it. Culture loves intimacy without commitment. I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not completely sold on the whole “marriage” idea all the time, but breh…sis. breh…I’m not sticking my penis in everything that wants it. And even if we have….don’t mean we will again. At some point, you gotta’ get tire of the same routine….how many times can you masturbate on FaceTime, Skype or whatever other site? How many pics can you send? We got it, we got it…you have a penis, you have a vagina…you think you’re the best product around…chill out. Discipline yourself to stop running back to the people who see you nothing more than fun trash. It gets lame afterwhile. It isn’t dope that they find you attractive and hit you up first when they want some…what’s dope is getting them to reply to your text after you let them hit. Dummy-up.

Some like apple pie warm, some like it with ice cream. Some won’t eat it store-bought, others won’t eat it unless Granny makes it with the special apples. Personally, I’ll devour it like a savage in a Wal-Mart checkout line. Point is….we all have our picks and preferences. And if you don’t have what we want…we just go on to the next. We like to be full and satisfied…but often full of the wrong stuff. Fed lies, narcissism, and a self loathing regiment that makes us believe that as dumb as we are …we really are okay. Our diets are screwed, yo. We’ve been eating our own dung for so long, that we get mad when others think it stinks and refuse to eat it too.

We gotta’ do better. And better starts with us. Skip the texts…love your self. Skip the sex…well…I mean….whatever. And the learn to try something new. Get a new song. Change the chapter in your life. Be good enough.

I hope this made sense to you…..sure did to me. Am I crazy? Am I dope? Lame or clueless….I don’t know…Let me know your thoughts.

 

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Eleven Days…

A lot can happen in eleven days. So many emotions, so many thoughts. I sit writing and for the first time since I’ve started this blog, I don’t know what to say. It isn’t for the lack of words or lack of issues to speak about but as a student of life, I try to study, observe, and grow from all that I’m exposed to.

In the past eleven days, terror, unrest, pain, death, and confusion has overshadowed the world. I’ve watched videos of men murdered. I’ve watched hundreds of people in other nations die as a result of attacks. Police, the authority to help govern our streets and communities, I’ve watched be attacked by ill-passion driven fools. In the past few days, we’ve seen a military attempt to overthrow their government oversees, and so much more that wasn’t reported.

It’s been a lot. I’ve had much time to think, reflect, and come to terms with some things. It really helped put some things in perspective even in my personal life. You try to salvage what little friendships you can with certain people. No matter how bad a fire is, how wrecked a car is…we do our best to restore if possible. Welp, I’ve done just that. And I found that not only wasn’t it mutual, seemed to be more annoying, bothersome, and I’d pretty much become like that Steve Urkle from the sitcom, “Family Matters.”

In eleven days, no calls, no texts, no messages. In eleven days, I came across more content between Grey and I than the entire time we were in love. Random people brought her up in random conversations, and though she was vaguely on my mind…her absence and silence was a constant reminder of the love loss. In eleven days, I realized just how little “friendship” meant. I’m learning to be mature enough to handle pain properly now. I don’t need a person to tell me how much they don’t love me anymore a million different ways for me to get it. I got it. …And I think I’m starting to be okay with it.

The world is growing cold. Hearts are becoming more vile and evil as the day goes on. BE A LIGHT and LOVE someone else. When you find that you’re so detached where another is happy without your presence….remove yourself and be content with never returning. Love them enough to let them be happy…and love you enough to let your heart get over them.

Eleven days taught me to value life. Value presence. I’ve learned to have a heart to those that want it and to love where love is needed.

That’s all I have.

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PRESSURE.

Breh!! Sister Breh!! Hiiiiiiiiiiii.

I’m excited writing this week’s blog. I’m happy, I’m sleepy, I want chicken, I have pop-tarts, but overall, I feel good. Nahhhh, I won no lottery. I gained no worldly possessions this week…although I’m open to any and all donations. #iKiddALittle #LaughALittle

Meanwhile. Question.

Do you know what it’s like to be consumed by your own desires? Have you any idea what it feels like to be captive and enslaved by the taintedness of your own heart…wanting things you can’t have, and loving the people that won’t love you back? It’s hell being stuck in a vicious cycle of attraction, obsession, and heart attacks. A senseless romance is what I call it. What do you do when being a victim has left you bearing chips on your shoulder, but life has made you a terror to the hearts of others? You bare guilt, regret, and hopes of wishing the right one came back and would love you again.

As a kid, I hated cleaning, but I loved cleanliness. I hated the work it took to gain order, but felt my best in an organized environment. I remember stacking all of my books up, trying to carry them, and I ended up injuring my face as they came tumbling down on me. I didn’t want the responsibility of taking what I could handle. That would have seemingly taken too long, so I just grabbed them all to save time. As a result of that…I cut my face under my right eye. It could have been avoided, and it could have been done a different way. But trying to beat time came with a price. Not only was I now scarred, but now took longer to do what I initially was doing because now I had to collect everything again.

That’s what pressure looks like. Pressure isn’t like pain. But it can lead to it. Pressure is intense enough that it can’t be ignored, it’s a constant reminder of existence.  If you’re anything like me, most of the issues aren’t pain worthy…it’s pressure. And at times…pressure can feel like a heart attack. We carry experiences, emotions, and chips daily. It’s easy not to examine what’s on our backs and in our hearts. We often just continue going until the weight we carry crumble on us. Emotions come spewing out that we thought were long gone. Names, memories, feelings manifest…and all the while the only thing you can do is cry. Well not me…me…I just eat pop-tarts and watch a Meryl Streep moving. If you’re judging me…you’re judging your moms first.

I know pressure. I’m a millennial black man trying to be dope…I tend to carry things…emotions…and people especially way longer than I should. People that have left my presence a long time ago, yet still occupy in some regard space in my heart. But things are changing. I had a conversation with someone I deeply loved one day, but couldn’t be with anymore. After long nights of being sleepless and frustration, days of  being semi-ignored, the lack of communication, the lack of love, the thoughts, hopes, and desires of one day winning bae back ….yo…I realized in the middle of a conversation. It had NOTHING to do with “us” and wasn’t thinking about it actually. In a basic conversation, I realized…I don’t care anymore. Not in a bad way…just…well, all of that extra stuff wasn’t my weight to carry anymore.

I think I’m mastering what I couldn’t grasp as a kid. I’m learning to deal with things…one at a time. One book, two books, three books, four… There’s no need to deal with it all at once. I’m in no rush for time…no more need for injuries and heart issues. Nahhh…I’m dealing with life and its issues, and I’m taking my time to free myself.

The pressure…it isn’t there anymore. It’s getting easier to breathe. I’m seeing clearly…I’m loving better…and my focus is pretty legit.

Freedom feels good.

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I’m my own guy. #imgood

One of the tortures to the heart is beating for another that no longer beats for it back. We’re no longer in sync, no longer in harmony, one may skip and another may race, but together makes a big mess. So, as you’ve read by now…I’m selfish. If you haven’t….SHAME…all the shame on you!! Go scroll back two weeks after you read this one and after you comment. #laugh #iKidALittle

So yea… I’m a little selfish. I don’t like to share. I can be a bit territorial and can get jealous quite easily. My friends are MY friends, and if I like your friends…they become MY friends too. The double edge sword for me is that I’ve always been amazing friends with all of the people I’ve ever dated. It’s always sucked in the end because I always seem to lose both a great friend and great partner. Even after relationships, I STILL have it in my mind that they belong to ME….and I’m #theGuy.

No long blog, no deep thoughts…well…may be deep, I don’t know….we’ll see…may have something longer to say than this. But here’s the deal, you’ll always find yourself constantly offended, hurt, in your feelings if you continue claiming something that’s not yours anymore. When you move on, you’re not entitled to leave that much of your soul and heart in the past. LET. IT. GO.

After a while, you have to stop feeling sorry for you self, getting in your feelings, and just being unstable. And if you’ve messed up a good thing or two…forgive yourself. Move on. Stop giving yourself a place in hearts that have CLEARY shown you in word, actions, and with space that “this ain’t what it was.” When you let others go, that’s not a time to just sit and mourn or go find another deranged soul to love all over. It’s the time to find and love YOU. Release them…find you. Self sufficiency keeps you from putting on a show when you cross their path again.

I no longer worry about whose not there. Do I miss some people? ABSOLUTELY. I miss my dead daddy, too. Can’t change that though. Do I want some people back? Sure. But yo–I couldn’t keep doing this to my heart. I don’t get GM texts, GN nights, no one tells me, “thinking about you today,” and the “I love you’s” from my son are forced most days. But breh…I’m good. I’ve learned to love my self. I’m my own guy. I don’t depend on a clap from another that validate the dude I know I am.

One of the greatest lessons in the journey is learning to see that even with grey eyes…even being every bit of the dude some people can’t seem to love…I’m still a pretty dope dude. I’m good on all the extra stuff. I’m giving myself the heart that I seemingly gave to others….and you know what, it feels good. #imMyOwnGuy

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