Tag Archives: marriage

Blood, Scabs, and an Epiphany.

MEANWHILE, I’m a creative. I’m the hopeless romantic that isn’t all that romantic. I’m the relationship blogger that suck at love. The thing is…what I experience, what I know, and what I do almost never compliment each other. The sensible side and the imaginative side tend to war within. I have a secret. I believe in happily-ever-afters. THAT my friend is what screws me up. EVERY TIME. I believe a heart that says, “I love you.” And to ones that don’t, I often tell myself, “one day.” I believe in the harmonic flow of a healthy beating heart. I think love is dope. I think love is incredible. It’s just….maybe not for me. I mean, I want it to be…but, I don’t think love loves me. It’s been my experience that those who love big…often bleed big. I’ve bled a lot. And every so often without noticing, though I think I’m well, the blood of a picked scab will remind me just how much more I have to go.

Have you ever fallen and scrapped yourself…or maybe even cut yourself? It hurts! Like the initial pain…really hurt. Some of the pain that makes us bleed are deeper than others. Some cuts you clean, bandage and go on with the day, yet find that the blood keeps coming…even through the bandage. And then along comes the scabs. It’s a sign that the cut is healing, but it never looks pretty. Just because the bleeding stops, it doesn’t make the wounds invisible. Scars are the proof of real pain. As a kid, hating how ugly scabs appeared, I did my best to get rid of them…but I found that every time I did, I just bled again. Old wounds became new pain, and while it wasn’t the same…the feelings were unnecessary.  I have a habit reliving things in new ways and calling it new things. 

How many times do we have to bleed and relive the same pain before we get it? I look at my record. I tend to torture myself falling for hearts that I know can never love me back. I’m the type of dude that if you got me, you got me. Even after you’ve dropped me…I’m there. You can need the moon, and I’d find a spaceship to go get it and the three brightest stars just in case you thought about needed it later. But often that compassion left me being skipped and incomparable to a Walmart bus ride by another. I haven’t always been hurt though. I’ve hurt too. There were those that loved me beyond what I was willing to love about me and therefore pushed them away. I held people to a standard that other’s failed to live up to and kept them at a distance.

Maybe love isn’t bias. Maybe we just have to stop loving the wrong way. Perhaps new love won’t remind you of an old pleasure. New love will make you smile in different ways. LOVE is real. It can be beautiful… if you let it be.

Stop bleeding. Stop making others pay for what someone did or didn’t do. No one is obligated to change your bandage.

Stop picking at old wounds. Stop the memories. Stop bringing up old laughs, moments, and pain. It’s not healthy. Pain isn’t a bonding tool. What broke your heart shouldn’t be the tagline of your bio. We go picking scabs in hopes of finding “healing” “wholeness” and “closure” when all we do is bleed, awaken desire, and stir up emotions. Just heal.

REALIZE it will happen. LOVE will come when it decides to come. Just be emotionally stable and mature enough to handle it when it does. Love shouldn’t be one sided and it shouldn’t be painful. Love just loves. It confronts, it challenges, and it causes you to make bold decisions…but sacrifice is easy when you’re all in it. Be all in it. We’re getting older. Our hearts aren’t getting any younger. We can’t keep giving ourselves heart attacks beating for people, things, and hearts just will never beat for us. BEAT IT UP. I mean that in the purest sense. Change the rhythm of your beat.

Bring reality into your imagination. It’s a good thing to dream. But some times dreams turn into nightmares. But some times dreams end and when they do, you have to make a decision of waking up and living life, or creating a fantasy and living in a memory. IT DIDN’T WORK. IT’S NOT WORKING. IT’LL NEVER WORK.

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  • beat responsibility.
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HER.

So, I can’t stop thinking about her. There’s this girl, she’s sort of perfect for me. She has a dumb stuff, but she loves my dumb stuff which makes her dope to me. I can’t really convey in words just how much she means to me. I’m sprung. I don’t know if that term is still used…it was back when T-Pain made the song. I digress though.

She’s BEEEAUTIFUL. I mean she’s way out of my league. Now, I’m NOT an ugly dude…but definitely wonder every now and then how did I end up with her. Her hair, her eyes, her lips, her body…and how she walks when she walks…especially in those heels…yea man…she’s all MINE.

But that’s not it though. As pretty as she is, she’s also smart. She’s spiritual. I don’t know where she came from or how she got it..but the girl just may be my best friend. We have deep conversations and wars over politics, Plato, pie, God, and football. Crazy thing is…I don’t even need a phone lock when I’m with her…she can have it. Okay…I’m lying…doing too much now. Laugh A Little. But I digress.

As dope as she is…can’t help but to think if she thinks the same…or even thinking about me. You see, this amazing woman..the mother to Johnathan and Jackson, the lady I want to spend the rest of my life with….yea…I haven’t met her yet. Opps. Guess I should have started the blog off like that. But that’s no fun…

In just a short time, I’ve learned a lot about love. I’ve loved and I’ve been loved. I’ve hurt, and I’ve also hurt. I know what it’s like to be trusted, and I know what it’s like not to be. I know what it’s like to be all in and committed…and I know what it’s like to have someone tell me they don’t love me anymore. Listen, pain changed people. I’ve changed and I’m changing. And when given the opportunity I’m going to be dope at this love thing again. I’m going to make it fun. I’m going to learn about me as I learn about her.

So if you’re reading…keep being amazing, stay sexy, stay focus. And when we meet..I promise..the hurt, the pain, all of the failed relationships…it will all make sense.

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