Tag Archives: twentysomething

Sandcastles and Rain

Hey guys…and gals!! Yo! Been a busy week or so. I have to be better consistent in checking in. Thanks for the feedback, comment, and shares on the last post. Your public support means more than you know. Good job!! Meanwhile, I have a few random little thoughts I’d like to share. Comment. Share. Leave some feedback. Like. Hate. Whatever. Just say something!! lol

 

Meanwhile…I have nothing bad to say. I have no enemies to fight. I hate no one. I love everyone. I mean…I have a few people I don’t mess with…but nevertheless, we all good. Life has a way of bringing balance if you let it. Storms are dramatic. Their nature is often filled with turbulence, chaotic moments, strong winds, and such. Energy and emotions are high, and they can get a bit frantic. But even after the storm, there’s a erie calm. A few things may be disbursed, things may be a little scattered, but nonetheless….you assess, rebuild, and keep going.

Life is filled with storms. Some things you can predict, and some…they’re just unpredictable. Okay. Cool. Rebuild. The sun comes out again. You Laugh. Remember the joy of a Summer afternoon at the beach. The laughs, the picnics, and the swimming. The rain did what it did, so that the sun can do what it’s suppose to. That’s life. Embrace it and don’t fight it….but don’t stay stuck either. You shouldn’t always have rainy moments. Don’t live your life in a storm. GOOD VIBES ONLY.

Manage and steward your emotions well this year. Don’t make storms out of clouds. I’m learning how to just chill out over certain things. Once upon a time I would get irate, offended, and emotional about certain issues. Petty by nature, and a jerk by trade, it’s easy to become a jerk-tard about certain things I feel jaded by. But I’m entering into a new stage of sobriety. I will not bring rain to the sandbox.

SMILE. Enjoy the sun. Go to the beach…build a castle.

I’m building my sandcastle…even if I have to build it alone. Nothing will knock it down. No waves or storms will wash it away. I won’t sabotage my building by giving another the power to kick it over. I’ll enjoy my time at the beach, and then go home. And when the next storm comes, I’ll find some time to dance in it. I’ll smile anyway. I’m in a pretty positive place. Enjoying my world and those that want to be in it.

-building sandcastles.

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HER.

So, I can’t stop thinking about her. There’s this girl, she’s sort of perfect for me. She has a dumb stuff, but she loves my dumb stuff which makes her dope to me. I can’t really convey in words just how much she means to me. I’m sprung. I don’t know if that term is still used…it was back when T-Pain made the song. I digress though.

She’s BEEEAUTIFUL. I mean she’s way out of my league. Now, I’m NOT an ugly dude…but definitely wonder every now and then how did I end up with her. Her hair, her eyes, her lips, her body…and how she walks when she walks…especially in those heels…yea man…she’s all MINE.

But that’s not it though. As pretty as she is, she’s also smart. She’s spiritual. I don’t know where she came from or how she got it..but the girl just may be my best friend. We have deep conversations and wars over politics, Plato, pie, God, and football. Crazy thing is…I don’t even need a phone lock when I’m with her…she can have it. Okay…I’m lying…doing too much now. Laugh A Little. But I digress.

As dope as she is…can’t help but to think if she thinks the same…or even thinking about me. You see, this amazing woman..the mother to Johnathan and Jackson, the lady I want to spend the rest of my life with….yea…I haven’t met her yet. Opps. Guess I should have started the blog off like that. But that’s no fun…

In just a short time, I’ve learned a lot about love. I’ve loved and I’ve been loved. I’ve hurt, and I’ve also hurt. I know what it’s like to be trusted, and I know what it’s like not to be. I know what it’s like to be all in and committed…and I know what it’s like to have someone tell me they don’t love me anymore. Listen, pain changed people. I’ve changed and I’m changing. And when given the opportunity I’m going to be dope at this love thing again. I’m going to make it fun. I’m going to learn about me as I learn about her.

So if you’re reading…keep being amazing, stay sexy, stay focus. And when we meet..I promise..the hurt, the pain, all of the failed relationships…it will all make sense.

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Texts, Sex, & Apple Pie.

Monday. August 1, 2016, 6 p.m.

WARNING. I don’t know how this blog will end. I write at times without a blueprint in mind. I’m slightly annoyed. Why, eh…I’m a poet at heart, it’s a rainy Monday, and I missed Judge Judy today…

 

UPDATE.

Tuesday. August 2, 2016, 10:42 a.m.

I couldn’t finish this blog yesterday. At the rate I was going, I shutter to think how it would have ended. I got up, told myself, “life ain’t that serious. This ain’t that serious. Chill out.” Yes, I used the term AIN’T. But digressing. Let’s chat about a few things.

Meanwhile, some times life doesn’t work out the way we want it to. We cry, we grow, we win, and we lose. Relationships don’t always have a happily ever after…but you can have one. We have to forsake our imagination for the sake of a healthy soul. We weren’t created to be detached, anyone who insists on NEVER developing relationships with anyone…isn’t really a healthy soul. We need people…but the right people.

We have to stop putting time, commitment, heart, and tears into “moments”. Texts, Sex, and Apple Pie. We like that instant short hand communication…were we put in little effort in building communication. Stop letting, “I miss you” texts and “I love you” random late night messages make you dumb. Check out timelines, see who isn’t there and why you’re being summonded all of a sudden.  We’re being made to look foolish…and don’t care. Crash the dummy talk. You shouldn’t have to wonder and guess what a person means and what their intentions are…talk up, talk clear, and talk right.

Who doesn’t love sex, right? Yea…you’re evvvverybody’s bae, everyone misses you, and wants you bad when their hormones are on sky ten. Cut it. Culture loves intimacy without commitment. I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not completely sold on the whole “marriage” idea all the time, but breh…sis. breh…I’m not sticking my penis in everything that wants it. And even if we have….don’t mean we will again. At some point, you gotta’ get tire of the same routine….how many times can you masturbate on FaceTime, Skype or whatever other site? How many pics can you send? We got it, we got it…you have a penis, you have a vagina…you think you’re the best product around…chill out. Discipline yourself to stop running back to the people who see you nothing more than fun trash. It gets lame afterwhile. It isn’t dope that they find you attractive and hit you up first when they want some…what’s dope is getting them to reply to your text after you let them hit. Dummy-up.

Some like apple pie warm, some like it with ice cream. Some won’t eat it store-bought, others won’t eat it unless Granny makes it with the special apples. Personally, I’ll devour it like a savage in a Wal-Mart checkout line. Point is….we all have our picks and preferences. And if you don’t have what we want…we just go on to the next. We like to be full and satisfied…but often full of the wrong stuff. Fed lies, narcissism, and a self loathing regiment that makes us believe that as dumb as we are …we really are okay. Our diets are screwed, yo. We’ve been eating our own dung for so long, that we get mad when others think it stinks and refuse to eat it too.

We gotta’ do better. And better starts with us. Skip the texts…love your self. Skip the sex…well…I mean….whatever. And the learn to try something new. Get a new song. Change the chapter in your life. Be good enough.

I hope this made sense to you…..sure did to me. Am I crazy? Am I dope? Lame or clueless….I don’t know…Let me know your thoughts.

 

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Summer Rain…

It’s hot. No…I mean like really, it’s hootttt. To a winter/fall fella like me, the heat seems almost unbearable. I like cool crisp air, and yet these 98 and 101 tempts have ME almost crisp and toasted. I sweat, I’m moody I don’t like to be bothered much, but overall I’m still a chill (cool) dude. Summer days keeps me eh..in a unique place. I’m cordial, I’m busy, and I’m constantly hot. In the house, the sound of the fan or air makes me to remember that out of the confines of the space I’m in…I’ll feel the effects of what I’m trying to escape. Pool parties, cook outs, all sorts of events take place. But being a natural introvert and even more of a grouch…I tend to say, “NO…I’m hot!”

I think back to being a kid. I loved the perks of Summer but hated the heat. Much like life, discomfort can bring some pretty damning moments, but an overall dope outcome. As a kid, I was never in the house. Be it I was hanging with my sister and her friends, my cousins, or running to the church house…I was never home. I think about the times the kids in the neighbor would be outdoors playing. We would be hot, sweating, not having a care in the world…other than the heat that is.

Growing up in the hood of Jersey, someone would find a way to cause the fire hydrant to open up, and we’d enjoy the water. Nothing would beat being out in the sun all day, hot sweaty, playing…and a short rain shower would come. It would seem as if the hotter is was, the more prone the rain was to follow sometime that day.

I thought about that today. You know in life, so many things can come our way, so many things to be agitated and frustrated about. Often times we fail to see the beauty and possibilities of what can be because of what is. YEAH…IT’S HOT…it’s suppose to be. But the rain is coming. So you’ve been hurt. Okay….people play games. We got it, you can be bad all by yourself. All that stuff is cute. Facebook and IG memes may get you some likes, but it’ll keep that status single on Facebook and you bitter. Never become so consumed by the heat that you miss the moments. Life gives us moments. Times for everything we will get to enjoy.

You’ll cry, but you’ll laugh again. You’ll hurt, but you will love and be loved again. Let life be beautiful. The joy about summer rain is that rarely it last for hours. Most times, it’s just for a few moments. But those short moments…tends to be such a relief from the present.

Smile during dark days. Laugh at silly jokes. Do it because you don’t want to. Pain never feels good, but your sanity will thank you for it in the long run. Enjoy the rain.

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Eleven Days…

A lot can happen in eleven days. So many emotions, so many thoughts. I sit writing and for the first time since I’ve started this blog, I don’t know what to say. It isn’t for the lack of words or lack of issues to speak about but as a student of life, I try to study, observe, and grow from all that I’m exposed to.

In the past eleven days, terror, unrest, pain, death, and confusion has overshadowed the world. I’ve watched videos of men murdered. I’ve watched hundreds of people in other nations die as a result of attacks. Police, the authority to help govern our streets and communities, I’ve watched be attacked by ill-passion driven fools. In the past few days, we’ve seen a military attempt to overthrow their government oversees, and so much more that wasn’t reported.

It’s been a lot. I’ve had much time to think, reflect, and come to terms with some things. It really helped put some things in perspective even in my personal life. You try to salvage what little friendships you can with certain people. No matter how bad a fire is, how wrecked a car is…we do our best to restore if possible. Welp, I’ve done just that. And I found that not only wasn’t it mutual, seemed to be more annoying, bothersome, and I’d pretty much become like that Steve Urkle from the sitcom, “Family Matters.”

In eleven days, no calls, no texts, no messages. In eleven days, I came across more content between Grey and I than the entire time we were in love. Random people brought her up in random conversations, and though she was vaguely on my mind…her absence and silence was a constant reminder of the love loss. In eleven days, I realized just how little “friendship” meant. I’m learning to be mature enough to handle pain properly now. I don’t need a person to tell me how much they don’t love me anymore a million different ways for me to get it. I got it. …And I think I’m starting to be okay with it.

The world is growing cold. Hearts are becoming more vile and evil as the day goes on. BE A LIGHT and LOVE someone else. When you find that you’re so detached where another is happy without your presence….remove yourself and be content with never returning. Love them enough to let them be happy…and love you enough to let your heart get over them.

Eleven days taught me to value life. Value presence. I’ve learned to have a heart to those that want it and to love where love is needed.

That’s all I have.

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PRESSURE.

Breh!! Sister Breh!! Hiiiiiiiiiiii.

I’m excited writing this week’s blog. I’m happy, I’m sleepy, I want chicken, I have pop-tarts, but overall, I feel good. Nahhhh, I won no lottery. I gained no worldly possessions this week…although I’m open to any and all donations. #iKiddALittle #LaughALittle

Meanwhile. Question.

Do you know what it’s like to be consumed by your own desires? Have you any idea what it feels like to be captive and enslaved by the taintedness of your own heart…wanting things you can’t have, and loving the people that won’t love you back? It’s hell being stuck in a vicious cycle of attraction, obsession, and heart attacks. A senseless romance is what I call it. What do you do when being a victim has left you bearing chips on your shoulder, but life has made you a terror to the hearts of others? You bare guilt, regret, and hopes of wishing the right one came back and would love you again.

As a kid, I hated cleaning, but I loved cleanliness. I hated the work it took to gain order, but felt my best in an organized environment. I remember stacking all of my books up, trying to carry them, and I ended up injuring my face as they came tumbling down on me. I didn’t want the responsibility of taking what I could handle. That would have seemingly taken too long, so I just grabbed them all to save time. As a result of that…I cut my face under my right eye. It could have been avoided, and it could have been done a different way. But trying to beat time came with a price. Not only was I now scarred, but now took longer to do what I initially was doing because now I had to collect everything again.

That’s what pressure looks like. Pressure isn’t like pain. But it can lead to it. Pressure is intense enough that it can’t be ignored, it’s a constant reminder of existence.  If you’re anything like me, most of the issues aren’t pain worthy…it’s pressure. And at times…pressure can feel like a heart attack. We carry experiences, emotions, and chips daily. It’s easy not to examine what’s on our backs and in our hearts. We often just continue going until the weight we carry crumble on us. Emotions come spewing out that we thought were long gone. Names, memories, feelings manifest…and all the while the only thing you can do is cry. Well not me…me…I just eat pop-tarts and watch a Meryl Streep moving. If you’re judging me…you’re judging your moms first.

I know pressure. I’m a millennial black man trying to be dope…I tend to carry things…emotions…and people especially way longer than I should. People that have left my presence a long time ago, yet still occupy in some regard space in my heart. But things are changing. I had a conversation with someone I deeply loved one day, but couldn’t be with anymore. After long nights of being sleepless and frustration, days of  being semi-ignored, the lack of communication, the lack of love, the thoughts, hopes, and desires of one day winning bae back ….yo…I realized in the middle of a conversation. It had NOTHING to do with “us” and wasn’t thinking about it actually. In a basic conversation, I realized…I don’t care anymore. Not in a bad way…just…well, all of that extra stuff wasn’t my weight to carry anymore.

I think I’m mastering what I couldn’t grasp as a kid. I’m learning to deal with things…one at a time. One book, two books, three books, four… There’s no need to deal with it all at once. I’m in no rush for time…no more need for injuries and heart issues. Nahhh…I’m dealing with life and its issues, and I’m taking my time to free myself.

The pressure…it isn’t there anymore. It’s getting easier to breathe. I’m seeing clearly…I’m loving better…and my focus is pretty legit.

Freedom feels good.

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I’m my own guy. #imgood

One of the tortures to the heart is beating for another that no longer beats for it back. We’re no longer in sync, no longer in harmony, one may skip and another may race, but together makes a big mess. So, as you’ve read by now…I’m selfish. If you haven’t….SHAME…all the shame on you!! Go scroll back two weeks after you read this one and after you comment. #laugh #iKidALittle

So yea… I’m a little selfish. I don’t like to share. I can be a bit territorial and can get jealous quite easily. My friends are MY friends, and if I like your friends…they become MY friends too. The double edge sword for me is that I’ve always been amazing friends with all of the people I’ve ever dated. It’s always sucked in the end because I always seem to lose both a great friend and great partner. Even after relationships, I STILL have it in my mind that they belong to ME….and I’m #theGuy.

No long blog, no deep thoughts…well…may be deep, I don’t know….we’ll see…may have something longer to say than this. But here’s the deal, you’ll always find yourself constantly offended, hurt, in your feelings if you continue claiming something that’s not yours anymore. When you move on, you’re not entitled to leave that much of your soul and heart in the past. LET. IT. GO.

After a while, you have to stop feeling sorry for you self, getting in your feelings, and just being unstable. And if you’ve messed up a good thing or two…forgive yourself. Move on. Stop giving yourself a place in hearts that have CLEARY shown you in word, actions, and with space that “this ain’t what it was.” When you let others go, that’s not a time to just sit and mourn or go find another deranged soul to love all over. It’s the time to find and love YOU. Release them…find you. Self sufficiency keeps you from putting on a show when you cross their path again.

I no longer worry about whose not there. Do I miss some people? ABSOLUTELY. I miss my dead daddy, too. Can’t change that though. Do I want some people back? Sure. But yo–I couldn’t keep doing this to my heart. I don’t get GM texts, GN nights, no one tells me, “thinking about you today,” and the “I love you’s” from my son are forced most days. But breh…I’m good. I’ve learned to love my self. I’m my own guy. I don’t depend on a clap from another that validate the dude I know I am.

One of the greatest lessons in the journey is learning to see that even with grey eyes…even being every bit of the dude some people can’t seem to love…I’m still a pretty dope dude. I’m good on all the extra stuff. I’m giving myself the heart that I seemingly gave to others….and you know what, it feels good. #imMyOwnGuy

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Strange Places

WITCHCRAFT! I call the unforeseen, the unforgettable, and the unlikeable ways of the heart “witchcraft!” As a kid, I once feared guns and swords, but the older I get the more I realize how dangerous and wicked the heart can be…even against it’s own body. There is a school of thought that suggest we are to “follow our hearts.” Once a believer of it, I’m not sure if that’s really a good thing after all. I mean, I look at my own life and see that some times . . .most times, the heart screws up. It’s led me and my emotions on a journey that while grateful for the writing inspiration, I really believe I could have done without. My heart, my emotions, and because I’m a guy…even my man parts have all led me to some strange places and strange situations.

This blog is my journey into the wild. As a kid, I was taught and often viewed life in black or white. Things and people were either right or wrong. I didn’t believe in the middle ground. There was no such thing. But pain has a way of exposing the “grey” in even the most logical of us all. Things happen, and at times all we’re left with is an experience and perspective obscure and undefined. Right or wrong, good or bad…the heart can lead you to a place where things “just are” and there isn’t much you can do about it but simply let it be.

I’m trying to grasp the reality of things these days. Things are happening quick. Most days I feel like I put reality t.v. to shame. Strange places…strange times from a Pentecostal Jesus loving boy. How can you be single and taken at the same time? These undefined places have a way of bringing us all into insanity. I mean, you can be grateful but emotional, mature but yet still selfish…it’s a weird place guys. I think about love and most days just can’t figure it out. Who gets dumped twice in the same day? Me. Who loves singleness but hates being alone? Me. The ones I love…won’t love me back, and the ones that do love well…complicated stuff.

Every so often, I miss the love, I miss the “us” and I struggle to be back in harmony, but then logic kicks in, and I’m left fighting with the war within my own conscious. Question is, do I want back in because I’m really in love or because I’ve been forced out and no longer have access to the heart of another? I think about it. Truthfully, had I walked out of some relationships, I probably wouldn’t have looked back twice. But it never feels good getting beat playing a game that you set the rules for.

So I write. I explore…strange places. It’s a place where much like the forbidden fruit in the Bible, we want what we can’t have. “NO!” is pleasurable. The things that will give us our greatest agony is the thing that appears to give the greatest thrill.

But in my writing, make no mistake. I’m in a good place, but I’m in a “blah” place. I’m in the place of my decision, my thoughts, and my ways. Maybe it’s apart of manhood. Maybe it’s a part of growing up. Perhaps it’s a bit of dysfunction and dumb decisions. Whatever it is…it is. And I’m dealing with the reality of it all. Yea man, I’m in a strange place.

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